So in honor of my sister in law passing her due date (come on baby!!!) I thought I'd take a little second to talk labor and delivery. I'm talking the. gory. details. I'm warning you now, so if this isn't your thing, you know how to close out of a browser, right?
Oh, hi, you're still here? Good. Let's get down to business.
Your water will likely not break in a huge gush on the sidewalk and your contractions will not start within 3 seconds and you will not have the baby 20 minutes after that.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not a requirement to scream profanities at your husband while contracting. It's perfectly fine to not be a raging lunatic.
A magical maxi pad-esque bed sheet is going to appear under you. You are going to wonder why that is at all necessary. You'll be enlightened.
Though your husband/partner/doula/coach may be a champ about the whole thing, there will be times where you want to punch someone in the throat: for me, this was the OB. Choose wisely.
When the grand finale is occurring, you may or may not be wondering when a giant alien with a Stewie head crawled inside of you.
You will not care that your babe is a slimy mess. It will be the sweetest slimy mess you ever did see.
You may have leopard spots after pushing that sucker out. I'm talking faux chicken pox all over yo' face.
When your family comes to visit
you the baby, your hair will be a sweaty mess and your eyeliner will be on your chin.
Every time you fall asleep the nurse will come in to take your blood pressure, or check your temperature, or change your ice pack, or some other nonsense.
Ice packs are not nonsense. Needles + Stitches. That's all I'm going to say.
You're going to be wearing mesh underwear by the end of it all. Mesh. That's not the worst part....You're going to love it. You will embrace the mesh and their loose-fitting ways. You are going to wonder if you should throw out all of your Victoria's Secret purchases and just clear out the hospital underwear closets instead (I don't think they really have full closets dedicated to this fancy undergarment, but they might...they might).
Stool softeners and fiber bars will be your diet (among other, less critical things like actual food).
You will never sleep again.
But then you will. And you'll realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And you'll forget the whole thing and get knocked up in a jiffy (or you won't, because you didn't completely forget, like me).
Oh, wait, I forgot. You do end up with this at the end:
totally worth it.