Monday, March 18

what no one tells you: gory details

So in honor of my sister in law passing her due date (come on baby!!!) I thought I'd take a little second to talk labor and delivery. I'm talking the. gory. details. I'm warning you now, so if this isn't your thing, you know how to close out of a browser, right? 


Oh, hi, you're still here? Good. Let's get down to business. 

Your water will likely not break in a huge gush on the sidewalk and your contractions will not start within 3 seconds and you will not have the baby 20 minutes after that. 

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a requirement to scream profanities at your husband while contracting. It's perfectly fine to not be a raging lunatic. 

A magical maxi pad-esque bed sheet is going to appear under you. You are going to wonder why that is at all necessary. You'll be enlightened.

Though your husband/partner/doula/coach may be a champ about the whole thing, there will be times where you want to punch someone in the throat: for me, this was the OB. Choose wisely. 

When the grand finale is occurring, you may or may not be wondering when a giant alien with a Stewie head crawled inside of you. 

You will not care that your babe is a slimy mess. It will be the sweetest slimy mess you ever did see. 

You may have leopard spots after pushing that sucker out. I'm talking faux chicken pox all over yo' face. 

When your family comes to visit you the baby, your hair will be a sweaty mess and your eyeliner will be on your chin.

Every time you fall asleep the nurse will come in to take your blood pressure, or check your temperature, or change your ice pack, or some other nonsense. 

Ice packs are not nonsense. Needles + Stitches. That's all I'm going to say.

You're going to be wearing mesh underwear by the end of it all. Mesh. That's not the worst part....You're going to love it. You will embrace the mesh and their loose-fitting ways. You are going to wonder if you should throw out all of your Victoria's Secret purchases and just clear out the hospital underwear closets instead (I don't think they really have full closets dedicated to this fancy undergarment, but they might...they might).

Stool softeners and fiber bars will be your diet (among other, less critical things like actual food). 

You will never sleep again.

But then you will. And you'll realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And you'll forget the whole thing and get knocked up in a jiffy (or you won't, because you didn't completely forget, like me).

Oh, wait, I forgot. You do end up with this at the end:

 totally worth it.

P.S. Seeing as everyone's experience is very different...have anything to add?? ; )

linking up with heather and megan


Jodi said...

Lol to this whole thing! The mesh underwear is stocked in the hospital closets. I work in a hospital so I know these things! :) If you are nice to me I'll get you some. Haha!

Thank God there is a beautiful baby at the end or nobody would want to go through it. Ugh!

Amy said...

omg AMEN to everything in this post. I loved the mesh undies...i wanted more!

Tara said...

Preach, sister! All of this and so much more. Thank goodness they are so sweet and absolutely the best the ever or else NO ONE WOULD HAVE CHILDREN...EVER AGAIN. Ha! I haven't completely forgotten (which is probably why there's no baby #2 in the works any time soon). Ha! And kudos for bringing up those mesh underwear. Those are seriously the best invention of postpartum care. So comfortable. So hideous. So absolutely perfect.

Anonymous said...

I love this! My little guy is a month and a half and is SUCH an easy baby that he's definitely making me want to eventually go through it again. But I'm so scared that my next baby will be a nightmare and be so needy and cry all the time! I wish there was a way to tell beforehand. :) But back to the original topic, my labor was totally not what I had expected. With an epidural, though, I was totally pain free and that made it incredibly easy. Although I was contracting for almost 24 hours before I was finally admitted and able to get it!

Breenah said...

My husband kept laughing at me because in between pushing I was talking to the nurse like we were having coffee. The nurse actually wound up catching my daughter because she came quicker than they thought. The doc got there right after she was all the way out.

Bethany G said...

Lol! Oh how true these are.....

Dara @ Not In Jersey said...

love it!

Kate @ Daffodils said...

I think my husband was the most disappointed that the trip to the hospital was so uneventful. He was expecting to throw me over his shoulder and run out of the house. I love this list!

Sarah said...

Great list and I agree with that mesh underwear...and those ice packs, oh heaven!

Kelly said...

This post is great, so REAL!

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Jessica said...

That you will have to sit on rubber gloves stuffed with ice, but it will be the most wonderful cool feeling on your sore lady bits. :-) Loved this! Everything was so true!!

Melanie said...

Hahaha I love this! So true & candid! I also enjoyed the hospital socks. Thanks for cheering up my lunchtime!

Lanaya | Raising Reagan said...

I love this post! It's amazing how birth stories are SO different across the board. I was pretty mellow for the most part.

(¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

Unknown said...

LOL this cracked me up. I will have to keep this in mind!

Megan said...

So funny! One thing though, those mesh undies are not one size fits all. LOL
My water broke with my daughter and they told me I just peed my pants at the hospital. They were wrong, obviously, and she was born 12 hours later. :)

Megan B.B. said...

Hahaha love this! I had a c-section so it was a bit different, but still agree 100% :)
Thanks for linking!

Jessica said...

Bahahaha I love you, Amy. You never cease to have me in stitches! Thanks for the hilarious post!

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Domestic Mamma said...

Love it! Shame and embarrassment, a thing of the past once you've had a room full of doctors and nurses see you with your legs spread. The first baby is definately an education!

Naznin said...

Gorgeous baby!.. Lovely post :)

Heather @ Cookies For Breakfast said...

Hahahaha oh sh** - this is HILAROUS, and so true!!!! Well, at least the parts I experienced anyway. With any luck, I'll be joining the ranks of franken-lady-bits with baby #2 if my VBAC wishes come true ;-)

Franken-lady-bits. That's a good one, amiright?

Thanks for linking, love!

Unknown said...

Just found your blog on Bloglovin'.
This post is so true- but you know what else no one talks about? Baby Blues. I did not have the emotional connection to my daughter for A WHILE and was a complete mess and cried at the drop of a hat.

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